First Steps.

yellowThe weather is changing and so is the tone of the house. It is getting quieter, although I don’t think this will last. The rich abundance of the garden is turning fallow, instead of vibrant green I see pale yellow and brown. All the summer berries are gone so I have been eating a lot of squash and kale. Someone has been feeding apples to the deer. They hang out in the yard now like timid pets and try to open the latch on the gate to get into the garden.

Yesterday I changed my room around and like it much better. The furniture is laid out in circular flow, leaving a wide open space in the center. After taking an art class, I now have a creative project up on my wall to remind of why I’m here.

There was a birthday party recently where I danced at little and shared a meal with five others. While I dislike parties, I am getting to know the people I live with well enough that social gatherings are mildly bearable. The new woman and I had a tiff that resulted in tension for a week, but yesterday she gave me a pair of her pants that no longer fit and started smiling at me again. I am finding that the rough edges sometimes do smooth out and that small disagreements do not have to escalate.

Most of the time I feel a healthy flow of highs and lows. The pressure to buy another property has dissipated and I am considering spending the winter here. I can’t imagine finding another room that is as aesthetically pleasing to me as this one. The noise from the kitchen is still a problem so I am going to research noise cancelling headphones. Someone gave me a small television with a DVD player that I now use to play movies from a large video collection.

I spend most days in almost complete silence. If I’m cooking, someone may come into the kitchen and chat for awhile but I no longer feel pressured to make small talk with every person who crosses my path. I have learned some things here about myself and other people, and each day presents new opportunities to work with my resistance and reactions. More and more, I am seeing conflict as an exercise in managing my projections.

During the past few days I have been going over my writing from the past year and taking out sections that seem to capture the essence of what I’m doing. I am also deleting anything that sounds like self-hatred or unconscious criticism. While I have not yet formulated a philosophical orientation for my thoughts, I can see that this is important. One has to frame a house before putting up the walls. As I am now perfectly situated to start something completely new, I guess this is the first step.

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