It’s been over a month since I posted. For awhile, I thought about ending this blog. I even wrote a final post. The major life transition that started in late 2012 has been completed. I am no longer where I was, physically or psychologically. It feels like a new era is beginning but I can only glimpse the contours of what this might bring. The most obvious change is that I have brought motion back into my life. Prior to the transition, I had been struggling with an overwhelming lethargy that I could not shake off. After dramatically changing everything in my life, I am now on new ground. And, I anticipate moving again within the next year.
I broke free of an outworn framework that no longer reflected my true needs. My current writing is more about the future than the past. I am less inclined to feel attached to 1970’s idealism about the world changing. It will change, this is inevitable, but not on my terms. I am moving towards claiming my individuality, something I often ignored in my quest for “a better world.” What is important now is my personal life. I had an annoying habit of telling people what to do, which in addition to making me a bore, had no long term value for me or them. I now tell “me” what to do and, not suprisingly, get a lot more accomplished. I set goals, make plans, strategize – (things I used to do to make money, but never did for myself).
I am trying to stay connected to some of the people from the big house but I assume these relationships will eventually end. People seem to live there in order to turn a corner in their life. It’s a waystation on a winding road. The woman who rented my room was only there a week before she gave notice to move out. The neighborhood I live in now is still heavily wooded and far enough out of town for me to feel free of stores and signs. When I look out my living room window I see trees and sky. Good enough.
The condo is my work, not my home. I have been tearing out carpet and painting. I can’t push myself too hard or my body freaks out. There is no hurry. For two days, all did was take long walks and enjoy the scenery. I’m in town today buying more paint and it feels crowded and noisy. As I have been saying for years, my attachment to the external world is falling away, and as it does, my inner life gets richer. While I have always enjoyed my own company, I now find greater purpose and meaning in being “lone.”